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8:45pm 1st March 2006
It’s my first day in the dorm. Yay! I had a call from Sarah today. Mum said that there is something going on with her that she doesn’t want to tell me. I hate it when people do that. They tell you have a story then they won’t tell you the rest. What’s the point in saying anything at all.

12:33am 26th March 2006
Hmm Wendy said that I should use my journal to write down all of my dreams and my aspirations. Hell I don’t even know what they are. I have this vague idea that I want to become a teacher because one day I want a child to look back on their life and say I’m glad that I had her as a teacher because she made a difference in my life. I want to be able to see that I can make a difference. What are my aspirations? What exactly is an aspiration anyway. Hmm I am going to go and get the dictionary and I will find out. *walks to get dictionary* ok I’m back hmm the dictionary says that an aspiration is a strong desire or aim. Well isn’t that the same as a dream. Damn it.

1:20am
Its one hour later and I am no closer to being asleep than I was before. I feel odd. I am not sure what I feel really. It is like being clothed in all of my loathings has made me feel better. It is like that by reading just how much I do hate myself that it somehow changes things. It doesn’t though. It should make things worse. I am surprised that others cant feel that hate radiating from my body and think that it is them that I hate. Maybe it is evident that I hate myself. I feel off my head. I feel like there is no way through this. I feel that I am never going to get over this. I feel that there is something in my past that I am blocking out. I feel that as I am getting older I don’t seem to remember as much. I can hardly remember my first eight years, we are supposed to remember more than that aren’t we. Damn I am cold. It has taken me four minutes to write all of this. Go me. I feel that I have no hope of getting to sleep and even if I did it would be so close to having to get up that there would be no point. I don’t feel that I deserve to sleep.

9:36pm 28th March
My arms look a mess. People are going to think that they are disgusting. I am going to take another razor apart because I need a good one.

1:32am 29th March
I made a monumental fuck up. This time I really have. I have the longest cut on my arm. It needs stitches. I can’t sleep. It’s still bleeding. I did it over 3 hours ago. I thought that I was going to pass out in the shower, there was so much blood. I just kept going and going, it never seemed like it was long enough. Even what it is now didn’t seem long enough while I was doing. It was like I could only see little sections of the cut, I couldn’t see the overall picture. I have looked at it since, its fucked up. It is really gaping and its really long, it’s a mess. I looked at myself in the mirror, it was hard to see that it was me who had done that to myself. I feel like that pat is separating my ‘her’ and me too much. It is like it has given me an excuse to cut like this because I can just blame it on her. I know that I can’t though because when it all comes down to it, it was me who dug the blade in. it was me who kept going. One positive thing that has come out of all of this mess is that she wont be around for a few days. She will leave me alone until she decides that it is time for the stitches to come out. I hope that she stays away longer. She is confusing me at the moment, she is here for shorter periods of time but more often.

2nd April 1:37pm
I feel like I have been run over. I haven’t cut since Thursday, I feel like I could rip my skin to shreds. I don’t even know why. I just feel so low. I think that I need to go to sleep. I didn’t go to work today. Well I called in sick again. My arm is really sore. The staples might create less of a scar but it hurts a hell of a lot more. The wound is more rigid and isn’t able to move as much.

3rd April 1:10am
I don’t know what is wrong with me. I wish that someone could just look at your mind and say yeh ok I know what is wrong. I wish that I could let go of this. I am scared that when I completely let go that there will be nothing left of me. I feel like I am nothing but the cutting. I feel like the cutting defines who I am, because it has taken up such a large part of my life. I need help to create an identity, well to discover my identity. I need help to decipher my moods. I have never openly said, help me and keep helping me.
My dad told me that he loved me yesterday. Ok for most people that isn’t such a huge thing but for me it is phenomenal. Dad isn’t a person who openly shows his emotions. To have him so openly admit his feelings like that was great. I mean he did it when I was fine, I wasn’t half dead, hadn’t just tried to cut open my arm.
My arm is so fucking itchy. I feel like argghhh I don’t even know. I want to take the dressing off in the hope that it will make it better but I don’t know if it will. I think that it will just make things worse. It will probably then just rub on my shirt. Hmm I don’t know what to do.

11:17pm
I feel so, o god I don’t even know what I feel. A guy at the service station today asked me what I ran into. I said that I ran into myself. He looked stunned, I don’t think that he knew what to do. That is almost screaming that I am on a high. I usually don’t care what others think of me when I am in a high. I am no longer paranoid.
We have to do our networks and partnerships presentation tomorrow. I am so nervous. Oh hell. I hope, for Angela’s sake that it goes well. I would hate to stuff it up for her. I don’t know where to begin with the personal reflection. I get on really well with Angela, I am glad that I decided to become a partner with her. She is quite an interesting girl.
I went to church on Sunday. I have never felt his presence and his love flowing through me so deeply. He was talking to me, he kept saying that I need to talk to Kim. This is something that I have to resolve. I think that I knew it, I just was avoiding the whole situation. I think that the situation needs to be addressed I just hope that I receive an ok reception.

17th April 6:25pm
The mood swings have accelerated. They seem to go through a lot quicker. On Saturday I felt like I had been hit by a mack truck. I was irritable. I wanted to hold my brother down and burn him with my cigarette. My mother told me that if I couldn’t deal with my brother then I should just give up being a teacher.

18th April 7:06pm
How was my day: it was crap. How am I feeling: sad. How am I coping: I’m not. So why was my day crap well lets start at the beginning. Umm my chain feel off my bike. I feel off my bike, now have a swollen ankle. Nearly got run over by a taxi. I took the long way to uni. I slept in. I had an appointment with Vlad. He managed to become more stupid between now and the last appointment. When I got to my pushbike, the tyre was flat. I had to pay $65 for medication. The medication that I actually want, wasn’t in stock. My day just gets better every second.

19th April 9:49pm
I got my medication today. I got two boxes for the price of one. Bonus. At least these ones are better value for money. I get 100 tablets per box. I still feel blah. Hell I don’t know what is wrong with me. I burnt my stomach last night. It created a little mark but no where near enough. Marty is the only one who knows. I couldn’t bring myself to tell Laura when I was talking to her. She just seemed so accusing that I couldn’t really bring myself to utter the words to her. Oh fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck. I want to scream, I want to throw something at someone. I cant seem to find the words that I need to be able to express what I am feeling. I feel like I have all of this anger just building up underneath the surface and waiting to spill over and over and over. Hell I don’t know what to do anymore.

23rd April 10:29pm
I am yours. I surrender. The thing that I am most scared of in surrendering all that I am to the Lord is that my scars will disappear. That is the thing that I am most scared of. That with my scars my identity will disappear. I am scared that this is al that I have become and that this is what defines me. I wish that I could concentrate and not see the negative. I think that deep down I know that there are other things that do define me but because I find it hard to separate my circumstances from who I am as a person then it is hard for me to see that if I do stop cutting then my whole world won’t stop existing. Here I am. This is me. I feel that there is all of this pent up something underneath the surface and that there is some way that I need to get rid of it. I find that even if I journal for ages and ages and ages that I can never seem to dwell deep enough to get to the bottom of what it is that is troubling me. I find it hard that people would think that my father would ever abuse me. If they met him they wouldn’t make that accusation. If they listened to me talk about him for five minutes they realise that I am nearly my dads own spokesperson. I am a daddy’s girl. I find it hard to get to the bottom of what is bothering me. I find that I seem to skirt around issues. I know that I shrink away from confrontation. I know that I curl into myself. When I was being prayed for on Saturday night and I could feel his presence that I was shying away from it. I want to just break down. I want to cry. I need to cry. I can feel it just bubbling underneath the surface and I know that unless I get rid of it then I will explode. I cannot believe that after the weekend, the awesome god experience that I have had over the last couple of weeks that I considered taking a box of medication. I can’t tell anyone though because I don’t want them to worry about me. I don’t want to alarm them because I constantly feel like that. Well not constantly I feel that it may grip me at any stage and that there never seems to be anything that I can do at the time. It never seems like there could possibly be a way to the top, a way out. I need to find the light during those times, I need to keep my eye on what His destiny for me is. I am scared of abandonment. I don’t know what kind of abandonment. I don’t know why I am scared. I don’t know if I have ever been ‘left’ to the point that it would emotionally scar me. I don’t know why I am like this. What has happened to me that is so bad, so outrageous that it has caused so much pain and so much turbulence. I cant deal with this. I need to know. I just want answers. I try to delve underneath the surface but my mind never seems to want to go there. I find that I am shying away from that. I think that in order to deal with it, I need to get underneath my skin, I need to be made uncomfortable. I need to have Wendy confront me and pressure me. I wont get better if I am just babied. Although at the same time I do need her to realise when to back off. I still need to feel like I have control over the situation. I find that I seem to just step out of the conversation if I feel that I cant deal with it. I just let them have their way. I just let me them do what they want to me. I get hurt and then I am angry at myself later and for so much longer because I didn’t stand up for what I wanted, for what I believed in. I don’t know what to do. I feel so powerless. I feel like everything at this point is overwhelming and there couldn’t be anything that I could do that possibly fix that. I am scared that if I let this go that I will disappear right along with it. What if I do. What happens if as slowly as I begin to get rid of this, that I become so different that people wont want to be near me. I am so afraid of rejection. I am becoming a teacher I am going to be facing that everyday. I am going to be facing ‘failing’ in front of my students every single day. I cant curl up in a little ball in front of them. I need to work on that. I need some way to convince myself that I am not worthless. Even though right now I feel so. I need to get rid of the negative affirmations. I need to have someone work right next to me. I feel like I am not doing enough to stop this. I feel like there is so much more that I could be doing. I feel lost. There doesn’t seem to be a right direction. I don’t know which way to go. I feel like everyone around me is smiling and I have this fake one plastered onto my face and that there is nothing that I can do to take it off. I wish that there was something that I could do so that I could believe in myself. I am reading a book at the moment and it is hard to deal with. It talks about letting go, forgiving our abusers and then forgiving ourselves. What if that person is the same person. I am emotionally, physically every way abusing myself. I feel that there is nothing that I could do to help myself. I think that I am lost, never to be found again.

25th April 7:42pm
I want to take a packet of epilim. I don’t know why. I feel a hopelessness coming over my mood. I feel like there is no light. I feel that there is no way out. I feel like I am lost. I feel like I cant do anything to help myself. I feel like am I dying on the inside. I think that I have no soul left. I feel like it has disintegrated. I think that there is no way to get to the top. I cant see a way out of it this time. I can never seem to see a way out. I always feel like this. I just need this. I feel helpless. I need help. I need someone to tell me how to fix this. I need to cry but I cant even imagine how to begin. I feel so pent up and that the emotions are just bubbling underneath the surface. I don’t know why I feel like this. I cant imagine what has happened to me to make me feel like this. I don’t want to be around me anymore. I feel like I need to escape myself. I don’t know what to do. I am hopeless. I feel like there Is no way. I feel that I cant beat this. I think that I am disappearing. I am losing my identity. I look inside myself and all that I can see is a black void. I cant see what everyone else says they can see. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel lost. I keep saying the same thing all the time. I don’t know what to do. I need to talk to someone. I need to get away from myself. I need to escape. I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do to escape. I feel like I am sitting in this room with my own worst enemy. I feel that there is no way for me to get away. I feel like I am lost. I cant see anything. I cant see what they see. It all seems so pointless right now. I don’t know how to begin. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to reach out. I don’t know who to reach out to. I don’t want to reach out in fear that they will stop me. I am afraid of myself and should never be left alone. I fear that I will die and no one will notice. I am afraid of dying alone. I am afraid that with this in my head that I will go crazy. I am afraid that there is nothing that I can do to ever stop this. I feel like there will always be the urges. I feel that there is nothing for me to help. I feel that I am dying slowly and no one else can see that. I feel like it is my eyes that are the give away but no one is game enough to look into my eyes in case they see the truth. This is how you remind me. I feel that there is no escape. I cannot get away from this. There is no way for me to escape I will be forever trapped. I feel that there will never be a cure. I am scared that I will feel like this forever and that no amount of therapy and medication will ever cure me of that. I am scared that one day I might go too far.

28th April 1:56pm
I feel that today wendy stepped over the line but there is still the lack of assertiveness, the lack of hey that really hurt for me to be able to say anything to her. I felt that in the session that when she was talking about her problems and that she has crap weeks as well, that seemed to just throw everything back in my face that my family ever has. Sure I do feel for her, I’m not discrediting her feelings at all but her guilt tripping me did not help. It seemed to only cement my belief that my family has been putting in my head over the last few years. How dare I feel like this. I how dare I feel depressed, how dare I feel so low that I don’t know how to deal with anything at that point in time. It almost by her saying what she did to me that oh hell I cant seem to get this in to words whenever I want to. It was like she was saying yeh what they were saying is right. You don’t have the right to feel the way that you do. It is like almost over positive thinking. It is positive to the point that it makes those around you feel negative.

1st may 4:16pm
I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off me. At the moment for once I have every thing worked out. I paid my rent. I know when I am working. I have money left over. I wont go hungry. I will go to uni tomorrow and get that phone number. I will ring them tomorrow. I will ask dad if I can use his mobile because it will be cheaper so then I don’t have to worry about that being an extra cost. I have my studies under control. I had the best time on the weekend. Bianca is so cute. I just wanted to hold her all of the time. I have never felt so close to one of my cousins. Maybe it was because I had tears running down my face and Sarah gave her to me and she smiled at me and it just made my day. It was gorgeous. It was priceless. One of those natural highs. I cant get over how good David’s talking has gotten. It was so cute that he was calling me teegy. The moments that we live for, the moments that we hang onto life for are the moments when someone who is four and hasn’t seen you for two months throws herself at you and wont let go. It is again moments like that that make life worth living.
I saw Kevin on the weekend. It was uncomfortable, but bearable. I was in the car with sarah and Aaron and he actually came up to the car and started talking to them. I wanted to yell at him I wanted to throw something at him. Sarah said that she lost a lot of respect for him after what he did. I just kept feeding little Bianca.

4th may 8:53pm
I feel so like I want to punch someone. Angela was driving me insane today. I wanted to scream at her. I wanted to choke her. We were supposed to meet at eight so that we could work on our assignments. Well she was going to pick me up at eight. At five past eight I left the caravan because I knew what her time management skills are like. I waited till ten past eight then remembered that I didn’t have my blue card on me. I went back to my caravan, left the door open stuffed around in my caravan for a little while and decided to empty my bin. I walked to the trash trailer which is a caravan park street away from my caravan. Walked back to my caravan, checked my watch and it was now twenty past eight. I walked back out to the front gate to wait for Angela. It was about 8:25 before she finally came. She was already in the park. We must have somehow missed each other in walking back to the front gate. I said that I came out to the gate the first time around at five past and she said yeh that was what time I got here. I was thinking yeh bull shit because I came back to the caravan for ten minutes and you didn’t show up at all. Arghhhhhhhh!!! We were talking about lateness etc yesterday. She said that she get imprinted with that name in school because she was always the kid who was late when they went on excursions etc. she then said that she didn’t want to get it imprinted with it at uni and that at the moment it was only written in pencil. Well I tattooed the damn thing in her ages and ages ago. I think that most of the class did as well.

6th may 6:47pm
I feel lonely. I shouldn’t. I don’t even know why I feel like this right now. I want to curl up but know that I shouldn’t. I wish that sometime s I could just step out of myself for little periods of time. I wish that I wasn’t me. I am in a critical mood at the moment so am steering clear of my assignment. I worked for three hours on it and I don’t want my critical mind to think that its crap and delete the whole thing. I know that I will have to look at it again. I just know that I cant look at it right now. I have a prac this week. I got studious on Friday and wrote the entire lesson plan. I hope that its ok. Again I don’t want to look at it today. I have no money at the moment. Although its pretty good for me because usually its Thursday or Friday that I have no money, not late Saturday. I have to sit down and write a to do list tonite and display it somewhere so that I can have my week in focus. After some thought I am thinking that I may have to go to uni tonite to print out the powerpoints that I need, although I don’t think that I need that many. I think that I just need the one for networks and the one for arts because pats are usually her own and we don’t specifically need any for Judy. I can print those ones out on Monday. There is a picnic in the botanic gardens for lunch tomorrow afternoon. Should be fun. I am going to teach Donna to do her hair tomorrow at church. Or if not tomorrow the n at some later date.

9:52pm
I ha vent done this in ages. Felt the need to journal twice in one day. I hate feeling like this. I am simply counting down the hours until it is time to go to church. I really don’t know what to do. I feel like I need to cry but it keeps bubbling at the surface and I cant seem to get it to come to the surface. I need it to overflow. I need to release it. I cant do this. I don’t know what to do. I feel so powerless. I cant deal with this. I don’t understand what is happening. I felt fine before. I told Wendy that I didn’t get like this anymore I think that I need to start making a record of how I am feeling at different stages of the day. At least four times a day I think or maybe six. I like six, or I might just do it every couple of hours from the time that I wake up. Then I can get a good overview of how I am feeling. Will talk to Wendy about it ask her if she wants to look at it. Will do it on here for ease, because I am a lazy ass. It will help the sessions though because the session won’t be dictated by how I am feeling on that day. They will have some focus. See when I am ‘fine’ then in the sessions I don’t bring anything up because everything is ‘fine’ and there is nothing specific that I can work on. Then on the other hand when I am really low I cant work on anything either because I just sit there and don’t know what to say. All of the questions are overwhelming, and its all too much.

12th May 12:58am
I cant sleep so I have decided that I need to do a regurgitation session. I keep thinking about my eating habits. They are so bad. From tomorrow onwards and Wendy would kill me if she saw this, I have decided that every time I want something to eat that I will have a drink of water or cordial instead. This isn’t really helping my eating situation, probably making it worse, but right now I feel that I need something to focus on other than my study. My study is important but I need to have something outside that. I think that my biggest downfall is that I over analyse before a conversation. I rehearse conversations too much. I become preoccupied with rehearsing them that sometimes I get flustered because I didn’t say what I was supposed to. I need to try to focus on the fact that life is full of mysteries and that peoples responses are one of them. Sure I can say what I want to say, but I also have to adapt it to what is being said in the conversation. I have all of these thoughts swirling around in my head and I am trying to gather them so that I can get them out of my head in order to sleep. I don’t know how to grab them. I wasn’t told that I wasn’t supposed to work today. I got into work and it turns out that I didn’t have to be there. At least I get a longer shift on Saturday morning. More money can never complain about that. I feel that maybe oh hell where was I going with that. I wish that I could understand myself sometimes. I really like this song how come I don’t listen to it more. I wish that I could get these kind of things out to someone else. Wendy preferably. It seems when I get into a session it all depends on my current mood. Neither are beneficial though. In a high everything is great so there is nothing to talk about whereas in a low I cant answer questions because I never know the answers. I dress like a tart when I’m hyper active. I dress with my breasts showing usually. I don’t particularly care who sees them, because I consider them to be my favourite part so quite enjoy sharing them. I don’t really know where I am going at the moment. I feel like I am walking around in circles and getting nowhere. I am moving forward though aren’t I. I’m not though. I am stopping eating, just like that. I am going to replace one with another. I can feel that I am beginning to stress. My poor mouth I really feel sorry for it. I think that I get stressed and not realise it. I think that I should really look at what the factors are and try to pinpoint before I get so stressed that I begin to collapse. I think that my lows to most people probably come across as laziness. I do become lazy, but it’s a lack of motivation rather than being lazy. I just don’t see the point so I figure why do it. I can never see to the end point, the light so I think that its going to be like this forever. I don’t think ahead. I don’t think to the past either and realise that ‘hey I have actually made it through this before again and again’. then I begin to think well have I really, I didn’t really cope with it last time either. I guess I should just focus on that there will light at the end of the tunnel and it isn’t a train. Ha! That is quite a good quote. that’s great, I’m getting somewhere positive with this. I feel like I am tired but I cant get the thoughts out so I have all this crap swirling around in my head. I have a session with wendy tomorrow. Hmm what do I need to tell her. That I feel like I have hit a hyper stage and that I take back what I said last week about my being more mellow, maybe it was because I still had a little luvox in my system. I don’t know really. I am going to have to wait to get my health card, well I hope that I can get it. I really need it. I cant afford to fork out $65 for meds. And its $65 every month at least, then there will be the times that I need to get epilim as well. So I will have to pay $95 a month at those times. I hope that whatever mum sent me in the mail yesterday will be here tomorrow. I wonder what it is. Last nights conversation with the parents was its usual tenseness. It was a phone call all about finances. That is probably why it was tense. Although I think that it was also more about that I had a blah day at uni, so I just took frustration out on them, because I didn’t have anyone else to do it to. In the session tomorrow I need to talk about my mood diary. I need to just regurgitate this and forget about it til tomorrow. I mean, I need it for the session, but I should just think it over when I am walking to the session. I need to talk more to wendy, rather than just her talking to me. Me being all la-di-da though should help. I am much more talkative when I am like this. I think that is why I called Laura because I needed someone to talk to, to get all of my talking out. I guess I just needed a little human contact. it’s a pity that Donna was busy tonight because it would have been kewl to hang out with her. I really like doing these regurgitations. They aren’t as artistic as they used to be th0ugh. Maybe it is through my realisation that hey this is me. I think that last year and even the start of last year I was in so much denial that I could do this to myself that I had actually created a different personality that did it. I was aware so it wasn’t like a personality disorder and it was something that I had created. I think that others just let me go along with it. Pat sort of does as well. I think that I am starting to own up to it. Wow that is really deep. I have youth church tomorrow night. Whooooo. I cant wait. No really I cant. I hope that Jen is working tomorrow morning, I want to invite her to come along. It may be good for her. It was really great of her that she took the step to go by herself. that’s awesome, something that I would have never done. it’s a shame that there was no follow up though. I hope that she does decide to come along again. Youth will go off. I had two smokes tonight. It reminded me just how dry my lips are at the moment. It actually burnt my lips that’s how cracked they were. My skin is drying out like crazy. My scars are really sore at the moment. I’m ah I don’t know where I was going with that. I have to put moisturiser on my scars a few times a day. Like today I have put it on three times already and they are still stiff. The one that is on my upper arm is the worst. It seems to be rock hard in some places. It is even aching right now. I think that also might be because of the extra movement. Although it shouldn’t because I would actually like to have proper movement of my arm. I guess that is just another thing that I have to look forward to. I have this anxious feeling that I am going to get a phone call from Tahnee at some stage saying that her nana knows about her cutting. I don’t know if I would know what to say to it. I guess I would ask her what happened. If her nana already knew then perhaps she could ask about seeing a doctor or something. I think that all of the kids in that family need to see counsellors. I cant see why the school isn’t doing it. I feel that from what Tahnee said to me that they are focusing on the wrong thing. I think that she didn’t talk about the cutting because it was never mentioned. I have a feeling that the school only focused on her anger management skills. I mean that is important as well, but the cutting does need to be addressed as well. I don’t know what to do really. I do worry about her. I cant wait to see her on the holidays. It will be good to catch up with her. It will be good to catch up with everyone really. I especially cant wait to catch up with laura just because it has been so long since the last time that I saw her. I mean I have talked to her heaps. But I haven’t actually seen her since early January. She is coming to Aramac so that will be kewl. She will be a big professional at doing the grace stuff as well, so it will be good to see her in action. I’m not sure where exactly she is doing it. It would be good if it was at our house, though I have a feeling it might not be. I still seem to have stuff floating around. I am making weird faces. I have so much shit that I have to take to the session tomorrow, just so that I have all my stuff for networks and HPE. I am actually feeling tired now. Like a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders right now. So it really does work. Although it probably only works for me because I have a memory like a sieve. My short term memory sucks major ass. I had a customer say to me at work the other night what will happen when I get old and I start to lose my memory. I said well I wont have all that much to lose then will I? She laughed. I like customers like her, she makes it worth while. I had this little guy in work the other day and he had such beautiful manners. I was so shocked. I mean he got like three dollars worth of lollies or something and if the kid had been snot nosed I would have been pissed off at having to do it but because he was really sweet then it made the job a lot easier to do. He got the jars down for me and he put them back as well. It was great. He also said please and thank you every time he asked for a different kind of lolly. I wish that all kids were like him, or even some adults at times. I had a guy in work on Tuesday who was very challenging. I actually used some of my networks and partnerships crap. I had to stay very calm and calmly tell the customer that he was mistaken. He got a 600mL sprite. He said that I scanned it wrong because it was too dear. There is no other way to scan the damn thing so I said no I’m sorry but that is the correct price. He then he complained about it being cheaper to buy a 1.25mL at Woolworth’s. I said to him that here it was cheaper to buy a 1.25 than it is to buy a 600mL. He walked off and said that he didn’t want it anymore and was going to get one and to make myself useful and serve the person behind him. Because he had more than one item already scanned that then involved me having to get Kira to void it for me. He then came and started yelling at me from across the store about where were the cheaper drinks then woollies. I then had to calmly explain to him that I didn’t say that. He then went off in a huff. It was difficult to remain civil with him when all I wanted to do was scream back at him or burst into tears. I’m going to bed now, after venting all of that. I need to get some sleep.

27th May 8:34pm
I don’t really know what to do. I feel so empty at the moment. I feel like I have nothing on the inside and that there is no way that I could possibly get through this. I don’t know what has come over me. I wish that I could find a way to get through this at the moment. I want to slice straight down my arm. I want to keep pushing the blade deeper and deeper into my skin. I wish that I could just get it over with. I have to do it.

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